Supportive Communication

As leaders, we need to effectively communicate with the team, whether we provide instructions, give praise, discuss failures, or resolve conflict. And in fact, our ability to preserve and strengthen the relationship in difficult conversations serves as a good measure of our ability and experience as a leader.

Communication needs to be accurate and honest. It needs to be supportive. Always.

Of course, it’s not too hard to communicate supportively and honestly when things are going well; most leaders can talk with trust and openness in positive situations. The same holds true in more neutral territory, such as 1:1s, brainstorming ideas, or sharing status updates.

However, when a team member’s behavior must be corrected, negative feedback given, or shortcomings pointed out, then it often becomes a more challenging proposition.

We might put off the tough conversations. We might be afraid of changing the relationship. We might fear harming the team dynamic.

And in the worst cases, as the problem continues unresolved, it becomes greater because it impacts others on the team. When you finally sit down, pent up emotion often erupts and any planned conversation quickly gets ignored. The person feels and responds as if attacked.

So how can we communicate more effectively in these difficult conversations?

The Why

Positive interpersonal relationships have a great impact on organizations. When relationships are positive, organizations experience:

• higher productivity
• faster problem solving
• higher-quality outputs
• fewer conflicts
• fewer subversive activities

In fact, according to Gallup, the presence of strong relationships fueled by effective communication between managers and subordinates increased profitability by 21%. And an older study similarly showed that the quality of interpersonal relationships were three times more powerful in predicting profitability than market share, capital, firm size, and sales growth combined during a five-year period.

Being a poor communicator makes a leader’s role more difficult. Imagine the challenge of trying to give guidance to a team member who feels undervalued but sees any feedback as criticism! What you say and how you say it needs to reduce their defensiveness and provide support if you want to provide new challenges and engage the person.

Not an easy task, and just one of 100s leaders typically face!

The How #1: Problem-Focused

To start, you should focus on the problem and not the person. Compare:

The wording in the latter example will push the listener into a defensive stance. They might start with the negative and give such excuses as “I have too much work!” or “Managing client X takes all of my time!” They might react with anger. 

However, starting with the former doesn’t absolve responsibility, and it instead focuses on the problem and possible solution.You and the direct report can find solutions together.

The How #2: Descriptive

If you focus on your reaction, it’s subjective. But if you instead describe what happened, it’s objective. Perhaps more importantly, a statement telling your reaction or feelings might be viewed as an attack.

There isn’t any judgment with the first sentence, and it creates the opportunity for a constructive conversation.

For example, you would be able to discuss with the person their workload and also help prioritize tasks. You might even be able to create an ongoing cadence of check-ins, creating the chance to coach the person over months.

Conversely, you might instead realize that it’s not a problem of prioritizing tasks at all. Maybe the person actually does have too many tasks, making it a misstep on your part in task delegation.

The How #3: Specific

Be as specific as possible rather than speak in generalities. 

You also don’t want to give extreme statements which use “always” and “never.” They are inaccurate extremes, and which misinterpret situations and/or discredit accomplishments. These words immediately put the other person on the defensive. They must argue not about the concern, which may be valid, but about the all-or-nothing statement. In the example above, surely the person doesn’t miss each and every deadline!

Also with specifics, this means that you need to do your homework before discussions. You cannot give general statements without also supporting them with evidence. A lack of specifics will shut down the conversation.

The How #4: Owned

Avoid shifting responsibility for decisions, especially unfavorable decisions, unwelcome requests, and other cases of tough discussions.

The second sentence makes it unclear who made the decision. No pronoun or person’s name indicates who made the decision.

Even worse would be an untruth, such as:

You’ve done a good job, but the higher-ups want to give the account to Bob.

In both cases, you made the decision. So own it!

In addition, you should avoid “managerial ventriloquism” as often as possible. Managerial ventriloquism refers to the voicing of another’s requests and ideas. For example, you have probably heard such statements as “upper-manager wants…” and “Sales has requested…” and other similar statements.

These sorts of phrases, when used too frequently, demonstrate that you don’t have much autonomy and only parrot the words of others. It means that you don’t or can’t take ownership.

The How #5: Validating

With validating communication, you focus on statements that demonstrate respect, flexibility, collaboration, and areas of agreement. The opposite, invalidating statements, make the other person feel inferior and unimportant.

The first example sentence allows for constructive discussion, which then allows for information discovery and ideation. It shows respect for the other person. You are interested in their thoughts and what they have to say.

And as for the second example, it’s dismissive. Similar statements include:

All three trivialize the contribution without actually considering its value. 

The How #6: Active Listening

We don’t always give our full attention to the speaker, and instead are simply waiting to share our own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. However, if we want to be supportive with our communication, we also need to engage in active listening.

Fully focus on the message, understand it, and then respond to the speaker.

In addition, you also want to ask open questions which require reflective responses.

The closed question will likely result in a “yes.” But the open question encourages critical thinking, so the speaker shares more.

Conclusion

Communication needs not just clarity and detail. And it should do more than convey information on what needs doing.

When you engage in supportive communication, you build and reinforce relationships and trust. You improve collaboration, even when engaging in difficult discussions. You create a foundation on which teams can be open and honest, and capable of thriving.